


Reflection

by CloakedSparrow



Series: Collected Bat-Family Stories [87]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman: Gotham Knights (Comics), Detective Comics (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bat Family, Bittersweet Ending, Body Image, Brothers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Family Issues, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Introspection, Male Friendship, No Romance, No Sex, No Smut, Non-Consensual Body Modification, One Shot, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Reflection, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloakedSparrow/pseuds/CloakedSparrow
Summary: Tim had taken to avoiding mirrors for a while now.He was aware that it was a very short term solution to a very permanent problem.He didn’t know what else to do.
Relationships: Dex-Starr & Tim Drake, No Romantic Relationship(s), Tim Drake & Kon-El | Conner Kent
Series: Collected Bat-Family Stories [87]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/734523
Comments: 28
Kudos: 207





	Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> Tim losing his spleen occurred in _Red Robin_ #4 & #5. Conner dying occurred in _Infinite Crisis_ #6 (he was resurrected in _Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds_ #4).
> 
> This story heavily references a previous one in the series, ['Last Laugh, First Steps'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15281652), wherein the Joker kidnapped Tim. It also references a follow-up story to that, ['A Dark Place'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23459173), which shows how Tim's current emotional state came to be.

Tim had taken to avoiding mirrors for a while now. 

He was aware that it was a very short term solution to a very permanent problem. 

He didn’t know what else to do. 

He always draped a towel over the mirror above the bathroom sink while he showered and dressed. He even left it on while he brushed his teeth and hair, and when he airbrushed his hands and arms. He only removed it when he needed the mirror to airbrush the makeup on his face and neck. He has to brace himself when he does. Every time. Every day. 

He had to remind himself that he wasn’t going to see the same face he saw in the mirror before. He had to remind himself that the face he’d see instead was still his.

It didn’t feel like it was. 

The flesh covering the face he’d see in the mirror was too smooth and far too light. Chalk-white skin like that belonged on a doll. Or a corpse. Or a ghost in a horror movie. Or _him_. 

It didn’t belong on Tim Wayne’s face. 

Except that now, it did. 

And he hated it. 

He hated the fact that his very reflection served as a reminder of one of the worst experiences of his life. He hated that it made his mind regurgitate all the fears and anxieties that experience made him face. He hated that every day began with an emotional ass-kicking as painful statements and experiences were relived. He hated that he had to systematically push that pain and fear aside and hide them just as he hid his too-pale skin. 

And then at the end of the day, he’d have to remove the makeup. He didn’t need a mirror for that, at least, but he did have to watch as the reusable pads he wiped it off with came away with what should be his skin tone on them. He had to watch his hands and arms turn that unnatural shade of white all over again. He had to watch as blue veins that had once been hidden under fair but healthy flesh showed more clearly through the stark white. 

He hated that he had to start and end every single day with a reminder of one of his biggest failures. He hated that he had to start and end every single day with feelings of loneliness and unworthiness. He hated that he had to start and end every day with fear of what would happen if someone saw him as he was now. 

He hated that he had to start and end every day with a reminder of _him_. 

_His_ face. _His_ laugh. _His_ cruelty. _His_ viciousness. _His_ words.

Hearing those words echoing in his mind was the worst part. Words that accused him of being a stand-in for someone he could never hope to replace. Words that stated he’d been a placeholder for a position he no longer needed to hold. Words that claimed he was unloved and unwanted. Words that said the people he cared about clearly didn’t care about him. Words that accused the heroes he always looked up to of not accepting him as they did his predecessors and successor. 

Tim knows some of the words and accusations are right. He knows that some are wrong. He doesn’t know what to make of others. 

He’s a detective at heart. Always has been. He’s looked for evidence one way or another. The problem was, he found evidence to support the words in most cases. He blissfully found evidence to discredit them in a few others. Sometimes he found evidence to support _and_ disprove them, and he didn’t know what to do with that but try to gather more evidence.

He looked back at thousands of different moments in his mind. 

It was painful, looking at his memories that way. Memories he used to cherish were suddenly thrown into a light of questioning. Moments that were once comforting became confusing. Words that had once told him he was seen suddenly seemed to be saying something else. Gestures that had made him feel wanted now made him feel lost. Instances that made him feel cared for now made him feel foolish. 

He still didn’t have all the answers. He needed more evidence. He didn’t know how to get that without spending more time with people who very well might not want him around. People he cared about too much to force his presence on more than necessary. People he loved so much that he wasn’t sure he wanted the answers anymore. 

He couldn’t help but look for them anyway. Sometimes it made him wish he wasn’t a detective. But it was part of him. He didn’t know how to be anything else. He didn’t know how to _not_ seek out the truth. 

Tim didn’t know what to do. 

He was already emotionally exhausted by the time he finished airbrushing his arms. 

He felt more trepidation about uncovering the mirror than usual. He’d been upset by a movie he watched with his brothers the day before. He’d gone on to patrol with his brothers later on, and served his city well. But later, when he was alone in his room, he hadn’t been able to shake the fears it had awakened. He’d barely been able to sleep and when he did, he’d been quickly awoken by nightmares. Jason had nightmares, too. 

It had been a long, rough night. He was already feeling beaten down mentally. His body was still tired. He didn’t want to have to face his reflection. He didn’t want to have to deal with any more than he already was. 

He didn’t have a choice. He had things to do and no one could see his skin. He had to hide the evidence of his failure, of his pain, of his and his loved ones’ secrets. He had to face the mirror. He mentally scolded himself for being such a wuss until he was at least looking at the towel hanging over it. 

He’d grabbed one from his drawer without looking earlier. Now, he realized which towel he’d grabbed, and it was painfully ironic. 

It read:  
_Always be yourself_  
_Unless you can be Batman_  
_Then always be Batman_

Tim didn’t feel like himself anymore. He barely even recognized his reflection in the mirror. But he still didn’t want to be Batman. 

Bruce didn’t want him to be Batman either. 

Bruce didn’t want him _period_.

Its all a little too much just then. 

Tim turned away from the mirror and ended up sitting curled against the wall beside the sink. He tucked his (disturbing, haunting, too-pale) face against his knees. 

After a long moment, he felt Dex paw at his pant leg. Then his cat meowed quietly. 

Tim didn’t bother pulling his face away to answer. “I’m fine, Dex. Just having a bad morning.”

Dex rubbed his head against Tim’s arm until he shifted it enough for the large cat to slip under it and force his way onto the boy’s lap so he could curl up in his arms. 

Tim held his cat close and buried his face in his fur. Dex purred and kneaded at his chest, right over the spot that felt tight and painful, as though trying to alleviate the pain.

“Love you, too.” Tim moved a hand to rub his cat’s head. “Good kitty.”

After another long moment, Tim finally sat up straight, at least. He continued to pet Dex until his cat slipped from his lap. The feline deftly jumped onto the sink and swiftly sank his claws into the towel. 

Tim sighed. “You’re right. Time to face it. This isn’t getting me anywhere.” He stood just as Dex pulled the towel off the mirror. 

Looking at his reflection was like being doused with ice water. It always was, now.

After taking a few breaths, he decided to just force himself to get on with it. He rolled his collar back and clipped it in place so he could make sure the makeup line would be too far from it to show as he moved. That meant more of his skin was exposed to his view for a little while. He knew he shouldn’t hate it as much as he did. He shouldn’t look at his own flesh with horror. 

Rather than contemplate that any further (because he still didn’t have a solution for that particular problem), he started covering his skin as quickly as he could without messing up the airbrushing. He didn’t need any prep. His skin was already clean from the shower. He’d already dried off during his mini breakdown. He didn’t have to shave. 

He’d never have to shave. Not when the bleach that caused him to be so pale also stripped all the pigment from the hair follicles in his skin. Many were destroyed entirely, causing most of his body to be permanently hairless. The little hair that did grow (in places it used to be more abundant) had thinned to practically nothing and turned so fine and pale, he could barely even see it. It was a reminder that he would always look this way. 

It was a reminder that he would always start his day this way. 

He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to break down again. 

He tried to remind himself that it could have been worse. That at least the hair on his head, his eyebrows, and his eyelashes had been left intact. He didn’t have to deal with a wig or gluing on lashes and eyebrows every day as well. He didn’t have to stare at that too-pale reflection for any longer. He didn’t have to cover too-red lips anymore.

And just like that, Tim found himself thinking about _him_ again. About _his_ too-red lips stretched into a demented smile. About the horrifying laugh that had echoed from them. About the painful words they’d shaped. 

Tim closed his eyes. He took a few breaths to calm down and forced his mind to clear. He forced his heart-rate to slow. He forced his breathing to grow even. He focused on Dex, who was rubbing back and forth across his chest and arms as he leaned over the sink. 

His phone quietly chimed. He startled briefly but quickly grabbed it. The sound had indicated a text from Conner.

‘ _You ok?_ ’

On one hand, Tim kind of missed the days when he could cry or break down in a bathroom without worrying about anyone hearing or worrying about him. On the other hand, the reason he’d been able to do so for a while was because Conner had been killed. Tim could never regret anything that came with Conner being back. No matter the circumstances, he was always glad for his best friend. He always appreciated the fact that Conner cared about him. He always liked how open they could be with each other. 

He knew Conner liked that, too. 

Tim figured he should be open with him, at least. 

‘ _Bad morning. Didn’t sleep. Hate my skin. Can’t turn off my brain. I’ll be okay in a little while._ ’

He trusted Conner to understand. 

Sure enough, he didn’t ask for any context when he replied.

‘ _Wanna rain check the tour & just crash?_’

While the idea was temping, Tim had other things he needed to do that day. He couldn’t burrito himself in bed with his cat and hide all morning. Besides, he usually felt better when he got his mind focused on something else. The sooner he focused on another problem -one he could actually solve or at least improve- the sooner he could push away the Joker’s words. The sooner he could forget his altered appearance and the reason it had been altered. The sooner he could get on with his day and, hopefully, his life. 

He took a breath, let it out evenly, and typed out his response. 

‘ _No but thanks._ ♥ _I have things to do. Might as well start the day._ ’

The reply came quickly. 

‘ _You know I could just kidnap you?_ 😎 ☕🐮♪ ⚅ 💕🍿 🦸 😺’

Tim smiled a little. His best friend had already done the whole ‘kidnapping’ thing a couple times already since the incident with the Joker. Ever since he noticed Tim trying to disappear into his work. He appreciated it, but it wasn’t going to help at present. He really did have things he needed to do. 

He’d come up with a way to address Damian’s sudden dilemma with dairy. He had work to do with Wayne Enterprises. He had a business trip in a few days he needed to prepare for. He needed to check in with Miguel, who’d be covering a few things for him and watching Dex while he was gone. He’d finally carved out some time the next morning to look into a stone he and Jason had recovered from a thief who thought he could use it with some chemicals to make Superman fall in love with him. He had to address an odd request from the newest member of the board at Wayne Enterprises.

Besides, he already had plans _with_ Conner. They were going to take Damian and Jon on a tour of a family-run dairy farm near the Kent’s home outside Metropolis. That was how he hoped to handle his brother’s dairy issue. After seeing a video of a calf being taken away from its mother the night before, Damian had something of a crisis of conscious at the thought of causing that. At the same time, he also _really_ enjoyed dairy. While they were talking about that, Tim recalled an incident that had recently occurred due to the Kents’ neighbor's use of a milking machine. 

Damian and Jon had attempted to ‘liberate’ the neighbor’s cows and been caught by the rather displeased farmer. Damian boldly accused the man of animal abuse, which also hadn’t been well received. Fortunately, Conner had heard them with his super hearing, so he and Tim arrived at that point. They stepped between the angry neighbor and their brothers and managed to diffuse the situation until Clark arrived and took over. The neighbor was more willing to listen to an adult and he understood the misunderstanding once it was explained. Clark said the man even found it cute that the boys were trying to protect his cows. 

He’d also told Clark to go ahead and bring the boys over sometime to see the machine in use so they could ask questions and have it explained to them. They’d arranged to do just that shortly afterwards. Damian was still mistrustful of the device, but agreed that the cows appeared healthy and unstressed. During the incident, they also learned of the dairy farm they were going to be touring. It sold to several small markets in the tri-state area, including some in Gotham. 

While Tim had answered several of Damian’s questions about the dairy industry the previous night, he texted Conner about the little dairy farm. Conner had called them and arranged to take their little brothers on a tour. While touring a dairy farm wouldn’t be Tim’s first choice of activity for that morning (or any morning he was taking off work, really), he was happy to be able to help Damian. And by extension, the rest of the family. Besides, he might learn something useful for Damian's or Conner’s family’s cows or a future case. He always liked learning new things.

And he always enjoyed any time he spent with his best friend. 

Having that comfort along with something to focus on would probably help him get out of his current head space a lot faster than trying to go to sleep would. And he couldn’t be sure when he’d get back to work that day if Conner decided to kidnap him. He could technically catch up on anything he needed to do before his trip the next morning, but that would mean postponing looking into the thief's story again. He’d already done that several times. He felt bad about it. He wanted to get everything done as planned if possible. 

‘ _I think its better if my mind’s distracted right now & I have things I need to do, Con. Thanks though._’

The response didn’t come as swiftly that time. Conner had clearly taken a moment to consider his friend’s words. 

‘ _Want me to head over there?_ ’

Tim appreciated the offer, but it seemed selfish to ask Conner to fly out to Gotham only to have to either fly back in another hour or so, or drive back to Metropolis with Tim and (a likely cranky) Damian a little later. Besides, Conner was used to getting more rest than Tim was. If they stopped texting soon, he’d be able to relax, if not sleep, for another hour or two before Jon got up, enthusiastic to get on with the day’s plan. 

And Tim was almost done with the airbrushing. He needed to get used to it anyway. As he’d already realized, this was going to be how he started his day for the foreseeable future. He needed to learn to deal with it on his own. He could wait to be with his friend. 

‘ _Thanks, but I’m okay now. I’m gonna pick up Damian in a little while. I’ll see you soon._ ’

There was another longer pause than usual before the response came. Tim knew his friend had been considering coming over anyway. Or maybe even going with the kidnapping thing. 

Instead, Conner seemed to decide he could wait to see his friend as well. He was probably still considering the kidnapping thing though. How the morning went would likely determine whether he let Tim go about the rest of his day as planned. 

Oddly, Tim didn’t find that he minded so much. At least, not when it was Conner who was demanding he change his schedule. If someone else tried telling him what he could or couldn’t do regarding his job or duties, he’d likely be considering ways to work around them already. 

As it was, he felt a touch of contentment when he read Conner’s text.

‘ _Ok. I’ll see you soon. Text if anything_ ♥’

It was nice to know someone was always there. It was a particularly welcomed reminder at the moment. It helped stave away everything else he’d been trying not to think about. Everything else his whitewashed flesh made him think of. 

He hoped he gave Conner the same feelings of contentment and welcome. He hoped his friend never felt as alone as he sometimes did. He hoped he’d never doubt himself again, as he once had. 

He quickly replied so Conner could go back to whatever he’d been doing. 

‘ _You too._ ♥’

Emotionally fortified by his best friend’s love, Tim finished covering his too-pale skin with considerably less anxiety and sorrow than he’d been feeling before. He still felt relieved when it was done and he could leave the mirror, but it was overall a more manageable undergoing. 

Once he was finished, he silently peeked into Jason’s room, the one he’d slipped out of before his morning ordeal began. His big brother was sleeping soundly, as he had been then. Tim didn’t want to disturb him, so he quietly headed for the kitchen. He checked his work emails on his phone as he packed up the breakfast burritos Jason had insisted on making for him and Damian the previous night. 

Their big brother hadn’t wanted them to skip breakfast when he knew they’d be running on too little sleep. Jason said he was wired enough anyway and cooking always calmed him down. While all that was true, it was also simply because Jason cared about his siblings. He’d been thrown through a bit of a loop the previous day, when both Tim and Damian had been upset by the movie they’d all watched together. He was likely going to be a little overprotective for a while. 

Tim was okay with that. He loved his big brother and he was always happy at the knowledge that his big brother loved him just as much. He wrote a ‘thank you’ note to Jason on the dry-erase board they kept on their fridge. He reminded him he loved him and that he could just work from home that day if he wanted. It was mostly to make sure he knew Tim had left as planned since it wasn’t as though he could just head into his office if he got nervous about not seeing him that morning. 

With that, Tim gave Dex another cuddle, left and locked the apartment, and headed to the underground parking. 

He knew he wasn’t okay. Not in any long term consideration. Not in a fundamental way. He was going to be reminded of that later, when he had to take the makeup off. 

If not sooner. 

Damian would be tired and cranky on the drive to Metropolis. He was likely to say something cruel or rude over the course of the morning. Touring a dairy meant Tim was likely going to have to explain that he couldn’t eat dairy at some point, which would be a reminder of another painful time in his life. Of other ongoing issues. He’d be leaving the Manor early enough that Tim was hoping to avoid Bruce because as much as he loved his father, talking to him was painful these days. Of course with Bruce, one could never say when the man would be awake. 

But between Dex, Conner, and Jason, Tim was already feeling better than he had at the start of the day. He would hold onto that reminder that he was loved when things got bad again. He would use it to keep his footing. That day, and every other day, until he found a better solution to his problems than avoiding mirrors, or trying not to talk about why he couldn't eat dairy, or hoping to hide from his father. 

Tim still didn’t know what to do, but he took comfort in the fact that at least he had his big brother, his best friend, and his faithful cat. He knew a lot of others weren’t so fortunate. He would do what he could to help those others, as Tim Wayne or as Red Robin. He would keep going. Eventually, he hoped, it would get easier. He didn’t know how it could, but he still believed in justice, friendship, and love. 

In a world where those things existed, he had to believe it would get better. It might hurt along the way, but he could deal with that. He just had to hold on and keep looking for answers. And he always would. He always wanted to be there when he was needed…by his friends, his family, or anyone who felt like they had no one. He always wanted to keep fighting for what was right. 

And no matter what happened with his father or family or those other heroes the Joker spoke against, whether he was right or wrong for most of them, Tim knew wouldn’t he wouldn’t be fighting alone. 

Almost as an affirmation of that fact, he received another text from Conner. This one contained only a photo. It was a selfie of him and Bizarro, out in the field between the barn and their home, clearly taken on their way to feed the cows. They were both smiling as dawn broke and they each held up a hand to make a heart between them. There was nothing particularly unique or new about their appearance or the background. The photo was taken simply because they felt like reminding Tim that they loved him.

Tim smiled and sent a simple text back before starting the car to get on with his day. 

‘♥ _u2_ ’

It didn’t undo everything. It didn’t make him feel any more secure about the possibility of seeing his father or facing his brother’s disdain. It didn’t un-bleach his skin or take away his scars. It didn’t take away the feelings caused by the incidents that left him with them. It didn’t give him back his spleen or his family. It didn’t renew his sense of self worth or erase all his fears.

But it reminded him there was more to him than his failures or successes. It reminded him that it didn’t matter if he was less valuable or capable than anyone else. It reminded him that he wasn’t just a stand-in or placeholder. It reminded him that there was more to him than what his father, Ra’s al Ghul, or the Joker saw value in.

He was worth something to the two amazing men in the photo. He was loved by them. 

The smell of non-dairy vegetarian breakfast burritos wafting from the warmer he’d placed them in and the sight of cat hair sticking to his coat were further reminders that he was worth something to someone amazing. Someone who loved him. Someone he loved.

It was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> The issues with the movie that upset Tim and Damian, as well as Damian's dairy ban, are from the previous story in the series, ['Little Brothers, Big Problems'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21836683).  
> The event with the Kents' neighbor is from the story ['World's Finest: Red Robin & Robin'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20498948).  
> ['Dex-Starr Finds A New Home'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307210) is the story wherein Dex became Tim's cat.
> 
> Translation for Conner's emoji after suggesting kidnapping Tim for the day:  
> 😎 = Conner likes the idea.  
> ☕🐮♪ = They can relax at his place and just chill.  
> ⚅ = They can play a game.  
> 💕🍿 = They can curl up on the sofa and watch a movie.  
> 🦸 = They can go do some hero stuff.  
> 😺 = They can stay at Tim's place and play with Dex.


End file.
